I loved the title my child’s school coined, for a child, when they helped the group, “Community Contributor”. It’s perfect. Here, we live in a community of 8 people, 4 dogs, and 2 parrots. As you can imagine, it’s a bustling little community! And a messy one! I believe it’s important for children to have daily responsibilities, and to learn the value of contributing to the group. People do not produce trash without having to take that trash away. People do not eat without having to cook, then do the dishes. People do not wear clean clothes, without having to wash them and fold them.

News Flash: There is not some cleaning fairy that comes along behind you, making sure you have all you need and are cleaned up as needed, sweeping the crumbs away, and washing your undies!

I’m always amazed at how many of their friends do not really have any chores. I mean I don’t really care – meaning, it will not change my mind about their having chores. My kids’ use that too…”My friends don’t have to do chores!”
“Well, I guess that’s because I’m not their mom! Lucky, they are!”

But just because we require them to have responsibilities each day, doesn’t necessarily mean “easy street” anyway.  We literally have to play supervisor every step of the way, just to make sure  a) it gets done, and  b) get’s done correctly, and  c) gets done thoroughly.  They are smart little creatures, and will use every advantage to sneak out early and get out easy.

The chores fit the age and capability level.  My son, who will be 9 this spring, takes the trash out, takes the recycling out, feeds and waters the animals, cleans his room, and puts away his clothes.  And yes, he must be monitored the whole time, or we will have a hungry dog (or two…or thirsty ones…or well, you get it).  We expect a bit more from the older children, naturally.  My 14-yr-old daughter has to sweep and vacuum the upper floor and stairs daily, among other chores such as loading dishes.  It’s amazing to think she’ll be an “adult” in just 4 years.  Everyone should experience responsibilities before they are thrust into the world where there is no fairy…well except for the one that lives in your head while you are cleaning (if you are a really happy person..or maybe a bit crazy).

The chores we have assigned to each child can be completed in about 30-40 minutes generally.  If it takes longer, it’s only because they are being really goofy and distracted.  We definitely believe in kids being kids.  But I also think it’s important they know how to clean up after themselves, and understand that living in the world is a give and take.  If you’re being fed a warm meal, then you should not have problem helping to clean up afterwards.

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I may be limited on storage space, and when coupled with a family of 8…well that can be “clutterous”, but c’mon! With a large family, we absolutely must have daily chores for all the capable children. I like the phrase they used at school to describe it, “Be a Community Contributor”. Fact is that I am not the only one dirtying laundry, I am not the only one using dishes, I am not the only one eating, I am not the only one producing trash, I am not the only one that wanted our animals to join our family, I am not the only….well, you get the point.
So, every day after school, the kids do their chores (well, with the exception of those days where they are slacking – I mean we are slacking :/ ). I love those days when everyone really buckles down and it’s obvious we just did a clean up. It feels so good…for like 10 minutes. Because it seems that’s about how long it lasts.
Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to find they did all their chores, and even a bit extra, clearing and cleaning the kitchen counter. So when I got up this morning, I took counter-top-inventory and found all kinds of counter-productive items…like a fluffy pumpkin, plastic playdough knife, gum wrappers, dirty spoons, bread crumbs, rags, lotion (sun block of all kinds – and we live in the pacific northwest where it’s officially freezing so where the heck did that come from since yesterday?)…Don’t misunderstand me. I am not a neat-freak (my sister or mom would laugh that I even said the word “neatfreak” in the same sentence as “I”). But I DO require a level of neatness and cleanliness. And we do have SOME cupboards and drawers, so geez people (meaning the little people who I call my kids), let’s use them!

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Chores, chores, chores!!!  I am not the only one living here and I don’t want to be the only player on “Team Do-A-Lot” anymore.  Don’t get me wrong – my kids do help with chores when they are told, but getting them to do them everyday without arguing with me (or eachother) is my goal.  It seems hardly worth it when it takes just as much effort for me to oversee them doing the chores, as it does for them to do the chores.

We’ve tried chore charts, reward systems, and everything…trust me, with a household of 8, there is enough daily chores to go around – and I need all capable bodies on my team (that’s only about half the team here).  The unorganized route (tends to be my style) doesn’t work so well.  Grabbing the closest kid to complete a task does not work because then it’s uneven and I hear about it (“that’s not fair”…like when I pour them each a cup of something, and I get to hear about one of them getting 1/16 of an inch less than their brother or sister…the fun “fair” game)… Or some kids might try to stay out of sight, so maybe they’ll escape being asked to do anything…such as what happens at  the “after dinner clean up”….(wait a minute, where did everyone go?).

So today, I just made a list for each of them and put it on the fridge.  No reward charts, no point charts…just a list of individual responsibilities that they each need to take care of every day – daily chore list.  Now the chores are all pre-assigned.  It’s even.  It’s laid out.  It’s explained in advance.  No surprises.  No arguing about who should feed the dogs come come doggy-dinner-time, etc.  As I write, kids are checking their list and checking it twice…mom is smiling and praying it’s not just today )

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Where do do we draw the line between disrepect, and normal behavior? Moms of tweens and teens, we understand that a certain amount of eye rolling and huffing/ puffing is normal behavior and we should try to dismiss it as such, rather than take it personally, right?  Sometimes, I do take my kids’ behavior personally. I ask for their help around the house, or ask them to do a few specific chores, and if I receive negative feedback, I tend to take it personally. I feel as if they don’t want to help me, or  they believe that every chore in the household is mom’s responsibility.  I feel like it should be a team effort here, and I’m the only player.

I always tell my kids that we all have self work to do, and I amcertainly no exception to the rule.  Parenting, giving guidance, raising children – it’s hard work.  I am looking to become a better, more understanding parent. Part of that process includes picking my battles and disregarding the eye roll or mumbling that tends to bounce back from my kids when I give them instructions or chores to do. If I know this, why then, does it still upset me when they act this way? Why do I feel disrespected?

Really, I was a teen once and I am sure I gave my fair share of eye rolls (to say the very least). My mom dealt with it (and more), and I am sure the neighbors are dealing with it with their teens, as well as my cousins with their teens, and so on… Even so, when my child walks (I should say “stomps”) away from me mumbling something under her breath, I almost instantly react, “excuse me? I couldn’t hear you…Do you have something you’d like to say to me?” or something of that nature.  It takes conscious effort for me to just “let it go” but I am trying. Remember people, the name of this site is “Supermomwannabe“, and I do wannabe.

What I am learning is, as a mom of a tween/ teen, I have anxiety about the future.  I want to guide all of my children and raise them to be happy, responsible, and contributing members of society.  I feel that if I let certain behavior “go” now, then I am setting the stage for it to get worse…because afterall, this stage of her life is just beginning. Should we, as parents, think that way? I mean, my child has never called me a name, or challenged me with anything like, “you can’t make me”…so why would I have a fear that she will,  just because I let some eye rolling, foot stomping, and mumbling go?  It would be different if she had called me names in the past, used foul language with me, or outright challenged before.   Then I would have reason to have anxiety about a reoccurrence of that behavior.  I am learning that a certain amount of resistance is normal.  It’s part of a learning curve and a phase.  To react to this behavior every time, creates a new unnecessary battle every time.  

Another lesson I am learning is to pick my battles.  Teens and tweens are struggling with their desire to have control of their life and decisions, along with their inability to always make right decisions and be responsible.  That is where we, as parents, need to help them along.  Finding the most effective and loving way to do so is our challenge.   What do you think?  Give us your feedback in our discussion forum- Normal behavior or disrespectful?

It takes conscious effort to acquire good parenting skills.  What are good parenting skills?

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