What’s up with the mean girls in middle school?  And how can they be so mean?

I remember.  Middle school drama.  The drama is not in short supply at that age.  And it definitely seems to be gender specific, “a girl thing”, for the most part (not that boys don’t go through their dramas and troubles because I know they do).  I have two middle school age daughters.  My youngest just entered middle school and seems to, so far, be able merrily be friends with everyone.  My older daughter is struggling a bit more.  What amazes me is the speed and carelessness at which some of these girls can just decide to not be a friend any more…and seemingly for no reason, or some made up reason.  Seriously, how do friends “break up” and “make up” so quickly at this age?

While there is a little bit of a humorous element to tween and teen drama, (for instance, take a peek at this hilarious middle school facebook conversation “parody” on youtube), but there is a much more serious side.

Remember that awful movie, “Mean Girls”?  Well that may have been an extreme example, (though not for some schools and situations, some of which have been much worse), but I have seen some really mean conversations taking place on facebook.  On one hand, social networking has been fantastic in helping people stay in touch, and keeping families close when physical distance has separated them.  On the other hand, it is a doorway to added drama for kids.  The socializing and gossip that used to take place at school, now continues on endlessly via facebook and texting.  Girls who “gang up” on another girl, will do so right on facebook – not just at school any longer.  This can be a real problem, and is coined “cyber bullying”.  Just as bullying is a serious problem, so is cyber bulling.

Another negative side effect of the digital social world is that kids can become too comfortable with texting over talking.  Meaning that we do not want them to lose their ability to handle more serious or uncomfortable conversations face to face, because they have learned to rely on texting, which helps them avoid that discomfort.

I think it’s important to stay on top of what’s happening in my childrens’ social lives.  Part of that includes helping my daughters feel comfortable in talking to me about what’s going on, and helping them feel like they can come to me with their questions, problems, and for advice.  Another part of that is keeping one eye on what may be going on in their cyber worlds (though I know I don’t see everything!).  Some parents may choose to not allow facebook and texting altogether…which may be a great decision, but I can see many do allow it.  I’m one of them who does allow it.  It’s part of the “culture” this generation is growing up in – just as MTV and a growing cable network, and video games – were part of my growing up.  So, while I do allow it, I do my best to monitor and stay tuned in, so I can offer guidance.   The kind of guidance I offer comes from a non-confrontational side.  I firmly believe in treating others as you wish to be treated, honesty, being real or authentic, communicating, acceptance…these don’t always come easy, especially at that age.  They need parental involvement, guidance, and good advise!

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My teen daughter came home from school yesterday very upset about a fall out with a friend, or someone who previously had been her friend. Apparently my daughter heard that this girl had called her some pretty mean names. I try hard to steer my kids right, and often warn them about gossip. If you did not hear it yourself, if you were not there, if you did not see it…well then it may not be (probably not) true. Stop there. In the words of the wise, “don’t bear false witness”. So many dramas arise from false information and misunderstandings.

Moving on to the next word of advice for her… One of my favorite life “guidances”, introduced to me by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements Toltec Wisdom Collection, is that people never do or say anything because of you. People say and do things because of them. Because of their story. Because of their perspective. And in conjunction with this advice, he also adds not to take anything personally.
I explained to her, that if her friend did indeed call her these names, then it’s more about her friend. It’s due to hurt feelings, which almost always wears the mask of anger.
Of course golden life rules that I must reiterate to my teen and tween daughters include treating others as they wish to be treated, along with guiding them to extinguish fires rather than fuel them. A fire will only grow larger if you fight it with more fire. It’s the idea that darkness cannot continue to exist when light is present, or hatred cannot exist in the presence of love. A person cannot continue fighting without an opponent.
And here’s another…just because someone said it, does not make it true. Another’s story is just their story, their truth. I’ve used this one all along.
“Mom, she said I don’t draw good!”
“Well, just because she said it, does that make it true?”
“Well….no”
“Well, good. Okay then.”
And another. Stay true. Meaning, stick to what’s really going on, and how you really feel. “I hate you” is usually truthfully something along the lines of, “I am just angry right now.” Or “you’re so annoying!” usually really means something like, “I am just not in a great mood, and feel easily irritated right now.” This goes back to where I started in this post. People usually do and say things because of them, not because of you. So I tell them, when exploring the world, try your best to stick to the real you. Be real and be true to yourself.
I do not expect these things to come naturally to them or without thinking, especially as they make their way through the dramatic halls of middle school. Shoot, they don’t even come automatically for me! I certainly do not have a prefix of St. to my name. These life rules are often fleeting and forgotten, but receiving the introduction to them early on, may help set them in stone somewhere in their minds.

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