What’s up with the mean girls in middle school?  And how can they be so mean?

I remember.  Middle school drama.  The drama is not in short supply at that age.  And it definitely seems to be gender specific, “a girl thing”, for the most part (not that boys don’t go through their dramas and troubles because I know they do).  I have two middle school age daughters.  My youngest just entered middle school and seems to, so far, be able merrily be friends with everyone.  My older daughter is struggling a bit more.  What amazes me is the speed and carelessness at which some of these girls can just decide to not be a friend any more…and seemingly for no reason, or some made up reason.  Seriously, how do friends “break up” and “make up” so quickly at this age?

While there is a little bit of a humorous element to tween and teen drama, (for instance, take a peek at this hilarious middle school facebook conversation “parody” on youtube), but there is a much more serious side.

Remember that awful movie, “Mean Girls”?  Well that may have been an extreme example, (though not for some schools and situations, some of which have been much worse), but I have seen some really mean conversations taking place on facebook.  On one hand, social networking has been fantastic in helping people stay in touch, and keeping families close when physical distance has separated them.  On the other hand, it is a doorway to added drama for kids.  The socializing and gossip that used to take place at school, now continues on endlessly via facebook and texting.  Girls who “gang up” on another girl, will do so right on facebook – not just at school any longer.  This can be a real problem, and is coined “cyber bullying”.  Just as bullying is a serious problem, so is cyber bulling.

Another negative side effect of the digital social world is that kids can become too comfortable with texting over talking.  Meaning that we do not want them to lose their ability to handle more serious or uncomfortable conversations face to face, because they have learned to rely on texting, which helps them avoid that discomfort.

I think it’s important to stay on top of what’s happening in my childrens’ social lives.  Part of that includes helping my daughters feel comfortable in talking to me about what’s going on, and helping them feel like they can come to me with their questions, problems, and for advice.  Another part of that is keeping one eye on what may be going on in their cyber worlds (though I know I don’t see everything!).  Some parents may choose to not allow facebook and texting altogether…which may be a great decision, but I can see many do allow it.  I’m one of them who does allow it.  It’s part of the “culture” this generation is growing up in – just as MTV and a growing cable network, and video games – were part of my growing up.  So, while I do allow it, I do my best to monitor and stay tuned in, so I can offer guidance.   The kind of guidance I offer comes from a non-confrontational side.  I firmly believe in treating others as you wish to be treated, honesty, being real or authentic, communicating, acceptance…these don’t always come easy, especially at that age.  They need parental involvement, guidance, and good advise!

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Where do do we draw the line between disrepect, and normal behavior? Moms of tweens and teens, we understand that a certain amount of eye rolling and huffing/ puffing is normal behavior and we should try to dismiss it as such, rather than take it personally, right?  Sometimes, I do take my kids’ behavior personally. I ask for their help around the house, or ask them to do a few specific chores, and if I receive negative feedback, I tend to take it personally. I feel as if they don’t want to help me, or  they believe that every chore in the household is mom’s responsibility.  I feel like it should be a team effort here, and I’m the only player.

I always tell my kids that we all have self work to do, and I amcertainly no exception to the rule.  Parenting, giving guidance, raising children – it’s hard work.  I am looking to become a better, more understanding parent. Part of that process includes picking my battles and disregarding the eye roll or mumbling that tends to bounce back from my kids when I give them instructions or chores to do. If I know this, why then, does it still upset me when they act this way? Why do I feel disrespected?

Really, I was a teen once and I am sure I gave my fair share of eye rolls (to say the very least). My mom dealt with it (and more), and I am sure the neighbors are dealing with it with their teens, as well as my cousins with their teens, and so on… Even so, when my child walks (I should say “stomps”) away from me mumbling something under her breath, I almost instantly react, “excuse me? I couldn’t hear you…Do you have something you’d like to say to me?” or something of that nature.  It takes conscious effort for me to just “let it go” but I am trying. Remember people, the name of this site is “Supermomwannabe“, and I do wannabe.

What I am learning is, as a mom of a tween/ teen, I have anxiety about the future.  I want to guide all of my children and raise them to be happy, responsible, and contributing members of society.  I feel that if I let certain behavior “go” now, then I am setting the stage for it to get worse…because afterall, this stage of her life is just beginning. Should we, as parents, think that way? I mean, my child has never called me a name, or challenged me with anything like, “you can’t make me”…so why would I have a fear that she will,  just because I let some eye rolling, foot stomping, and mumbling go?  It would be different if she had called me names in the past, used foul language with me, or outright challenged before.   Then I would have reason to have anxiety about a reoccurrence of that behavior.  I am learning that a certain amount of resistance is normal.  It’s part of a learning curve and a phase.  To react to this behavior every time, creates a new unnecessary battle every time.  

Another lesson I am learning is to pick my battles.  Teens and tweens are struggling with their desire to have control of their life and decisions, along with their inability to always make right decisions and be responsible.  That is where we, as parents, need to help them along.  Finding the most effective and loving way to do so is our challenge.   What do you think?  Give us your feedback in our discussion forum- Normal behavior or disrespectful?

It takes conscious effort to acquire good parenting skills.  What are good parenting skills?

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